tonight I will allow myself to miss you, in my fullest vulnerability. I make a playlist of longing, let my chest rise and crash to the rhythm with a shakiness I can’t contain. the faint glowing of fairy lights remind me that text notifications will no longer illuminate my face in the dark, and no amount of yearning will bring back the past. I feel emotion well up gradually, like the building up of a wave that dissipates with each breath, bubbling underneath the surface. this tender heartache, I will allow it to breathe to its heart’s content. one moment it is a phantom memory of warmth wrapped around me, the other it is the cold distance you have left me with. I will try my best to be patient, but I will also let myself feel the things I am feeling, with complete honesty and intentionality. the tears are difficult to call forth – it is as if I tried to divide my sadness into equal parts and experience each at a time, so that I do not drown.
I am not sure what I’m more afraid of – the pain of losing you or getting used to life without you.