captain’s log – 1/8/2015

somebody told me that i shouldn’t confine myself to the limitations i set for myself when writing. more than one person told me that i should be more confident in myself – and my own abilities (or lack of thereof). maybe there’s more to me than this – maybe i’ve been seeing mirages all along. i still don’t know, and go with the flow.

i’ve run out of words to sugarcoat this. i am honestly, a huge coward. i am hesitant about almost everything, i almost never make up my mind, i’ve got my priorities messed up. i can’t do anything right; this feeling of helplessness when i know that i can actually do something is odd, strangely out of place like a wrong puzzle piece. thoughts feel more convoluted in my head and i always fill the void of coherency with music, lyrics that speak for me yet digs a deeper hole for me to fall into. i am willing to fall, to feel the rush of air, maybe to finally feel the thrill of risks; but there are real life responsibilities that i have to drag myself to commit to, no matter how much i make a mess of myself, i can never really completely collapse. i’ve always been stuck in between the lines, and nobody is able to decipher when i myself can’t interpret the hidden meanings. words die in my throat, and i’m about to throw up.

besides that, there is a bubble that i am perhaps unwilling to get out of, walls i am unable to breach, distances i can never cross. it is futile to say this, but i feel like everyone is walking out of my life. not that they don’t have a right to, they’re of course not obliged to stay and never will be. it is just a feeling that gnaws inside my heart, tempts the darkness and dominates my mind. i understand and yet my subconscious is not accepting it, no matter how much i yell at it to just accept it. i curse and swear at the holes in my heart, the greed that i let in, the validation i constantly desire. it’s selfish and i know it. that is why i don’t voice it out but maybe it is time to say

i haven’t been feeling happy for a while now, though in this society, it is perhaps so very normal.

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