captain’s log – 25/12/2015

you’re surrounded by so many people, jostling and sitting around a television, their faces lit up by the screen yet you still feel loneliness, lurking at the pit of your stomach. you can’t tell the difference between empty and full, you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be excited for festive lights and jolly music – its been so long you forgot if you even felt it before in the first place. it is a season of cheer, celebrating a holy birth but all you can feel is dead inside; you’re tired of talking back to the figure that mirrors you, arguments are hopeless and you’ve always sucked at debate anyway. it tells you nobody cares and your dreams shout it too, but you manage to rationalize it and here you are, standing in the darkness more afraid at the prospect of being alone for the entirety of your life, than the irrational fear of dark you have had since a kid. you’ve dreamt of being the epitome of soft sunlight that filters through foliage, being a person who people think about on their bad days but how can you expect that of others when you’re just a black hole of emotions and now we’re just back to square one, the demons are in charge now. you tell them you’re tired now and we all agree, sleep is the best compromise we get because nightmares are sometimes better than reality itself.

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