star(t)

when stars explode in the sky above, millions of light years away, they create a new element. we are made up of stardust, and in this universe, we breathe, alive.

it’s been a long journey, yet time continues to run away from me and it feels like i was just a kid yesterday, dreaming of brighter futures on twinkling lights high above. for me, 2015 was a pretty good year in retrospect, considering that i managed to fight through everything and stay alive, i grew a little bit as a person, i learnt more about myself and others, great things happened. i’m a bit hesitant about looking back right now because reminiscing brings back more pain than happy memories. to be honest, i can remember more upsetting things than cheerful ones, but i still do keep in mind the precious kind words that friends have constantly offered. (even though i still lowkey don’t think i deserve it no matter whoever says whatever.) it was a really tough year towards the end, but i’m glad i made it, we all move on because in a way we are forced to. i’m also pretty relieved i’ve somewhat actually achieved my new year’s resolutions, to write, to do nice things for others as well as taking care of my grades. maybe that’s the one thing i can be proud of, at the very least.

i want to thank every single one of you for sticking with me because i truly wouldn’t have known what to do without you all, i would probably be worse off right now without all that encouragement, advice and kind words. i am also very sorry for sometimes being over reliant, clingy, attached; im even more sorry for not being able to open up sufficiently because most of the time it isn’t a choice, it’s just i don’t know how to put my feelings, myself into words. but thank you for bearing with me, for loving me, for being there for me and i hope you all also know that you are very important in your own ways no matter what. continue to stay alive, to breathe stardust, to polish and shine or heal and recover and you are never alone; even if you are we are alone together.

2016 came just as silently as 2015 went, there wasn’t a booming television with loud celebrations on screen, just the occasional clicks of a mouse and faint booming of fireworks in the distance. i’m not sure what to expect of this year but i’m definitely hoping it’s better, that everyone including myself will be better this year. because being young starts getting old and i don’t want to wear out the excitement of youth just yet. i want to live, to exist as brilliantly as i can; perhaps its a selfish wish but i want to be remembered. don’t get me wrong, i still am afraid of change, especially when we’re moving on to JC and drifting apart seems like an apparent future that looms ahead. but i’ve decided that i should give it my best shot, despite still having a fear of intrusion, of starting conversations, or coming off as annoying and an extra. let’s just say i’m working on it.

as for this year’s resolutions, i’ve decided on a few:

  1. expand my social circle, because i probably need more people to talk to about my issues instead of burdening one or two (??) also friends are never a bad thing.
  2. focus and excel in selective things, because i don’t want to be a jack of all trades. (also i have to start paying 90% attention in classes)
  3. be happy and stay alive |-/ because sometimes that is enough.
  4. have a clear direction of what i want to do with my future.
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