your words jump from node to node, nervous impulses going faster than before, like there was not a care in the world. you skip a few connectors, watch as typing turns to offline, and anticipation turns to confusion. laugh in the guise of embarrassment, to fill the awkward silence before the atmosphere turns stale. words are garbled, jumbled up in a twisted knot that stays in your stomach. it feels like there’s several jigsaw pieces that don’t fit into the puzzle, just as you don’t fit in a socializing party. the train of thought derails and everything is off course; just like you expected, not according to your plans. salvage the situation, try to pick it up again or give it up and let it sit; sit patiently at the door waiting for someone to open it for you.
there will never be a day that your hands don’t break into sweat, and you’re worried that even the closest person will eventually let go.